The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Stand By Your Man (Even If He's a Deadbeat)

Last week, The Real Housewives of Orange County got together to play Bunco and Terry, Eddie, and Shady Slade crashed the party. This week we’re picking up right where we left off. Let’s document the drama with our THG +/- recap!

In walk the men. Terry and Eddie are rocking skintight zebra pants that show off any ASSets they may have at their ages. Slade’s rocking a mullet a la Billy Ray Cyrus. Gretchen says in the one-on-one that he looks like “such a douchebag.”

Ouch, Gretchen! Plus 5.

Gretchen fills Slade in on the drama that was brewing between her and Tamra’s friend Ricky. Slade responds “Let’s start sh*t.” Oh, Slade. Minus 10. This isn’t your party OR Gretchen’s and you’re doing no favors by bringing the drama.

Slade asks Ricky if he has a problem with Slade’s stand-up. Ricky replies he wasn’t even there. Vicki asks Slade when he became a comedian. Slade’s response? “When I decided to go do it.” Not an answer, Slade. Or at least not a good one. Minus 10.

Vicki calls Slade a piece of sh*t repeatedly and leaves saying she’s going to see her daughter, who actually matters. Gretchen makes a valid point to the rest of the people in the room that none of them knows what she and Slade have discussed post-Improv and Vicki comes back in to speak her mind to Slade.

First, she tells him she’s sorry she doesn’t fit the Orange County mold of what he thinks she should look like, but her mom and dad think she’s pretty, so that’s all that matters. (Sidenote: Her parents have got to be, what, in their 80s now? Can they even still see her?)

Slade says he never said she didn’t look the way HE thinks she should look and that he only commented on things other people had said. Vicki says it was mean and hurtful and she’s never talked about how he looked.

That comment lights a fire under Gretchen. She chimes in asking how what Slade’s done is any different than Vicki calling Slade a deadbeat dad for failure to pay his child support. Vicki tells her, basically, that she has no room to speak because she doesn’t have kids of her own.

Gretchen tells Vicki she’s smoking crack and calls her out for dating Brooks since Brooks also fits the definition of “dead beat dad.”

They continued to shriek like banshees and I’m pretty sure someone said something about babies and vaginas while Heather, Alexis, and Tamra just looked on in horror.

Plus 15 to Gretchen for defending her man and standing up to Vicki, even if Vicki says she can’t stand up for what she doesn’t know.

Tamra says she wouldn’t have invited Slade if she knew he’d make Vicki that upset. And then the camera goes back to Gretchen who has gone from drunk and fired up to crying in her skinny margarita because of Vicki’s constant belittling of Slade.

Tamra’s outside consoling Vicki and talking about how removed she is from the situation. Gretchen’s crying some more and talking about Vicki’s double standards and how it’s always okay for Vicki to talk about everyone else but it’s never okay for anyone to talk about Vicki. Minus 10 for the high-school drama.

I mean, like Vicki said, aren’t they adults?

Vicki finally leaves the party and says she’s done with Gretchen because her behavior has been inexcusable. Heather’s shocked and horrified by what’s going on and it’s a school night, after all.
Tamra tells Gretchen that Vicki’s close to a nervous breakdown, but Gretchen says that’s not really an excuse. I sense trouble brewing in Gretchen-Tamra reunion land over Vicki-gate.

Then Tamra says the magic phrase. “I think I need to eat some carbs.” Plus 10 Tamra. Carbs are good for you.

Finally, things seem to be settling down at Bunco night. There’s food and chatting and questions of plastic surgery recovery time with Terry which prompts Gretchen to offer the gossip morsel that Alexis is going in for surgery the following week. Tamra’s first question? “Oh, is she getting her boobs bigger??” Plus 5.

Gretchen says Alexis has bad sinuses and Tamra’s not buying it. Terry offers up a little free consultation to Heather, Gretchen and Tamra. Alexis overhears their entire exchange and says she’s having her nose job at the same time as her sinus surgery because she’ll be under.

And that she’ll “hock a loogie” if the ladies want her to. Minus 10 for gross. Terry says it makes total sense, but says he didn’t even know they were talking about her.

Alexis gets super defensive. SUPER defensive. But Tamra DID say Alexis has a big nose and should totally get her nose done. Minus 5 Tamra.

Alexis privately calls Gretchen out for not defending her. Gretchen says in a one-on-one that Alexis really needs to just move on from this. Minus 10 to Gretchen for not defending her friend and for starting the whole thing in the first place.

Out in the parking lot, Alexis continues to defend her necessary nose job and says that Gretchen should have defended her. Inside, Heather calls Alexis stupid and asks Terry if a brain lift is an actual procedure.

Terry says Heather should give her friends an IQ test and Heather says she’ll be sure not to use any big words. Minus 5 because I’m bored with this nose job news already.

Finally, FINALLY, Bunco night ends. Finally.

Briana’s in her kitchen cracking open a beer and Donn, Vicki’s sort-of ex-husband, stops in for a visit. Briana says she doesn’t really know where her place is in the middle of the divorce. Donn says he’s staying busy and living the bachelor life.

Briana lets us know Donn has finally moved out of Vicki’s house and she’s glad that the two of them are able to develop an adult friendship instead of a parent-child relationship. I’m getting a slightly Woody Allen-Soon-yi vibe which kind of creeps me out. Minus 10.

Briana tells Donn about her upcoming surgery and says it’s nice to have his support because he doesn’t freak out like her mom does.

Gretchen’s got a sore throat from all the screaming she did the night before and hates that she got so in the middle of everything instead of just letting Slade fight his own battle. But the fireworks continued even after they’d all gone home.

Gretchen says Vicki kept texting her after she got home last night saying that she wouldn’t tolerate people talking about her boyfriend not paying child support. That she wouldn’t tolerate a man who didn’t pay his child support.

Uhhh, Vicki? Hello?? Seriously? Minus 20.

Vicki and Tamra are having coffee in Vicki’s office. Tamra says she was just in the area and thought she’d stop by. Plus 5 for the coffee peace offering.

Tamra says she’s just stuck between two friends. Vicki, in the one-on-one, says she’s not a hypocrite for being with Brooks because Brooks is all caught up now and works a job while Slade doesn’t.

Tamra says in her one-on-one that Gretchen’s got a point - Vicki’s dating a guy who went to jail for not paying child support. Plus 10 Tamra.

Then Vicki says that she’s upset that no one stood up for her and told Gretchen to shut up. Tamra says it was all white noise and impossible to follow. Vicki says she hopes to get to a point where she and Gretchen can talk and she can apologize to Gretchen, but Gretchen also needs to apologize to her.

Don’t hold your breath, Vicki. Especially since Slade’s the one you really need to have the conversation with.

Alexis shows up for her necessary nose job and this time, Jim actually goes with her. How nice of him, right? Alexis says her doctor is the best in the area and is “really known for his breasts.” Plus 5 for making me laugh.

Alexis is a crying mess. If they don’t get her to sleep soon, this surgery’s going to be off the books because she can’t stop crying.

Vicki is with Briana preparing to take Briana to the hospital for her thyroidectomy. Vicki says she feels like her world is falling apart and says, again, that the prognosis for Briana isn’t good. That she might have cancer.

As they drive to the hospital, Vicki says “I feel like I’m driving into Heaven” and that she might throw up and that she doesn’t feel like she can get through this. Minus 20 to Vicki for being insane right now.

Briana, in a one-on-one, says “Nothing is ever about me, or about anyone else, when it comes to [her] mom. It always ends up being about [Vicki].”

Truer words have never been spoken, Briana. Except Gretchen’s said them before, too. During this episode even. Plus 10 for honesty.

EPISODE TOTAL: -50! SEASON TOTAL: -30!

Next week, Alexis and Briana go under the knife and Tamra gets a consult to have a little surgery of her own.